Ungayenza kanjani ngokugculisayo le duel?

"Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, labo abagwema lonke usizi olubonakalayo bayawa, imvamisa kube uhlobo lokucindezeleka." (J. Bowlby)

Lapho uphila, akunakugwemeka ukuzwa ukulahleka, ngoba akukho okungapheli, usizi luyinqubo eqhubekayo lapho uphila ukulahlekelwa, (Ukufa kothandekayo, ukuwohloka kobudlelwano, ukuguquka kwezwe, njll.) inhloso yokuthola ukuzivumelanisa ngokomzwelo nangokwengqondo ukuze uhlale nokulahlekelwa okushiwoyo, I-etymology yayo ithi: duellum noma ukulwa nobuhlungu be-dolus.

Usizi oluyimpumelelo kulapho kutholakala ukuzivumelanisa nokwanelisayo nokulahlekelwa, ngakolunye uhlangothi, usizi lwe-pathological kulapho le nqubo ingaxazululwa ngokwenelisayo. Iningi lalaba bantu lidinga usizo lochwepheshe, ngoba inqubo yosizi engaphathwa kahle ingaholela ezinkingeni ezinjengokudangala.

Ababhali abaningi bayavuma ukuthi lapho bebhekene nokushona kothandekayo, isikhathi senkqubo yosizi ngokuvamile sihlala phakathi konyaka owodwa no-1 nokuthi unyaka uwonke unzima kakhulu.

Kuyaziwa ukuthi inqubo yokuphumelela yosizi isiqediwe ngokuba ne- amathuba okukhumbula umuntu oshonile ngaphandle kokuzwa ubuhlungu, yize ezwa ukudabuka okuthile, ngaphezu kokukwazi ukuzivumelanisa nokuphila ngaphandle kwalowo muntu.

Udokotela wezifo zengqondo u-Elizabeth Kubler Ross, encwadini yakhe ethi On Grief and Grief, uchaza izigaba ezi-5 zosizi:

1) Ukuphika: Kuyindlela yokuzivikela equkethe isithiyo esisisebenzisayo ngokungakwazi ukuthola ulwazi olunomthelela omkhulu, isisiza ukuba sigcine futhi sinciphise ukuhlupheka okubangelwa izindaba ezingalindelekile. Kwenzeka okwesikhashana, njengendlela yokuhlehlisa nokuzilungiselela ukubhekana neqiniso.

2) Intukuthelo: Kulesi sigaba, ukuphika kuphenduka intukuthelo, ejwayele ukuya kithi, emndenini wethu, kubangane bethu abaseduze, noma kumuntu oshonile, nakho kudala inzondo kukho, konke lokhu kudala umuzwa omkhulu wecala obhebhethekisa intukuthelo enkulu kithi.

Kulesi sigaba kunemibuzo eminingi nezinhlamba ezifana nokuthi: kungani kimi? Umhlaba awunabo ubulungiswa!

Kubalulekile ukuvumela umuntu ocubungula usizi ukuthi aphile ngale mizwa futhi azwakalise ulaka lwabo, ngaphandle kokuthatha yena uqobo, ngoba kufanele sikuqonde lokho kuyingxenye edingekayo yenqubo yokudabuka.

3) Isivumelwano noma ukuxoxisana: Lesi sigaba imvamisa sifushane kakhulu. Kuyo, umuntu ohluphekayo uzama ukufinyelela ezivumelwaneni nombutho othile ophakeme (okungaba nguNkulunkulu) ukucela ukuthi umuntu oshonile abuye, ngokushintshana kwanoma yimuphi umhlatshelo, futhi ufuna ukufinyelela ezivumelwaneni ukwenza lula ukunqotshwa kokulahleka. Lesi sigaba sibonakala ngokucabanga ngokubuyela emuva esikhathini esidlule, lapho umuntu esaphila, kunemicabango eminingi ngalokho obekungenzeka ukube umuntu ubengasekho noma ukuthi ukulahlekelwa bekungagwenywa kanjani.

I-4) Ukudangala: Lesi sigaba sibonakala ngokudabuka okukhulu, ukukhumbula kanye nokudangala, umuntu akasakwazi ukuqhubeka nokubamba ukwenqaba, uyabona ukuthi ukufa kungumcimbi wangempela. Lapha qhubeka nemisebenzi yansuku zonke yokuphila kunzima kakhulu, kwesinye isikhathi bayayeka ukudla, kuvela izinkinga zokulala, ukungabi namandla, njll. umuntu uqala ukulungiselela ukwamukela iqiniso lokulahleka.

Kufanele simyeke umuntu adlule kulesi sigaba, aveze imizwa yakhe, ngaphandle kokuzama ukumkhuthaza, ngoba Kujwayelekile ukuthi adabuke, amtshele ukuthi akadabuki kungaba nomphumela omuhle.

5) Ukwamukelwa: Sesedlule kulezi zigaba esesizisho ngenhla, ukulahlekelwa kucatshangelwa, ukuthi lowo muntu ngeke esabuya nokuthi kusuka kulowo mzuzu kuqhubeke kuzofanele siqhubeke siphile ngaphandle kwako. Kuyamukelwa ukuthi ukufa kuyinto engenakugwenywa yokuphila nokuthi lokhu akulona iphutha lomuntu. Kulesi sigaba, yize kukhona ukukhathala okungokomzwelo, imvamisa kungenzeka ukuthi sibe nethemba lokuthi izinto zizolunga nokuthi singaqhubeka nokuphila kulelo qiniso elisha ngaphandle komuntu oshonile. Abantu baqala ukugxila kakhulu ekusaseni esikhundleni sokuqhubeka nokujaha okwedlule futhi kulapha lapho ukuthula nokuthula kungagcina kutholakele.

J. William Worden encwadini yakhe ethi "Grief Treatment" ukhuluma ngezinqubo ezine noma imisebenzi okumele kudlulwe kuyo lapho kulusizi:

1.- Yamukela iqiniso lokulahleka: Noma kunzima ukufunda ukwamukela iqiniso elisha, kufanele sibhekane neqiniso lokuthi ngeke sikwazi ukuxhumana nomuntu oshonile futhiUkuphika kungangenelela kulo msebenzi, ngakho-ke esikhundleni sokuzama ukuphika ukulahleka, kufanele kucatshangwe. Okokuqala ukulahlekelwa kufakwa ngokwengqondo bese kuba ngokomzwelo, kulo msebenzi kunconywa ukukhumbula nokukhuluma ngomuntu oshonile.

2.- Sebenza imizwa kanye nobuhlungu bokulahlekelwa: Kulesi sigaba kubalulekile ukwamukela imizwa eyenziwe ukulahlekelwa, esikhundleni sokuzama ukubagwema, ngoba ukubenqaba kuzoveza ubuhlungu obengeziwe. Le mizwa kufanele kusetshenzelwe kuyo futhi ivezwe, kufanele kuzwakale ubuhlungu futhi kucatshangwe.

3.- Ukuzivumelanisa nesimo lapho umufi engekho khona: Lesi sigaba sibaluleke kakhulu, siyisigaba sokuhlala kweqiniso empilweni yethu, kulokhu izindima nezikhala umuntu oshonile abenazo empilweni yethu zinemiphumela ngobunikazi bethu, okumele siyakhe kabusha ngokuya ngeqiniso lethu elisha (lokhu kufaka ukuthatha imisebenzi emisha, izibopho, izenzo nezindima). Kuyinqubo eyinkimbinkimbi, ngoba kufanele sikuqonde ukuthi impilo yethu izoshintsha nakanjani futhi nombono wethu womhlaba uzohluka.

4.- Fudusa oshonile ngokomzwelo uqhubeke nokuphila: Ngeke simkhohlwe umuntu oshonile, futhi ngeke kube lula ukuphila ngaphandle kwakhe, kodwa Kufanele sikwamukele ukulahlekelwa kwakhe empilweni yethu, simtholele indawo engokomfanekiso lapho singambeka khona ngokomzwelo ukuze aqhubeke nokubona injongo empilweni yethu, yize kuzoba nencazelo ehlukile. Ukulahleka kuzothatha umbono omusha futhi uguquko lungatholakala ezingeni lomuntu ngamunye.

Siyazi ukuthi lapho sithola ukulahlekelwa ngeke siphinde sifane, kusobala ukuthi sizoshintsha, okubalulekile ukwazi ukuthi sizokwazi ukuhlala ngaphandle komuntu oshonile futhi siqhubeke nokufuna izindlela zokuthula nokujabula ngokwazisa abantu abasenathi.Sala futhi ngaphezu kwakho konke ukuzazisa thina.