Envy: a taboo subject

It is enough to read the word to evoke an unpleasant and almost rejected feeling in us. Envy is treated as a taboo subject, despite the fact that it is present in all of us - to a greater or lesser extent - and in all societies. What's more, there is hardly any research on this topic.

Envy and jealousy have been frequently used interchangeably but there is a clear difference between these two concepts. Envy is described as the desire to acquire something that another person possesses while jealousy is translated as fear of losing something that we already possess. Both emotions involve a dyad (that is, two people) whose relationship is mediated by an object of desire. It can be a material good, the physical appearance of another person, their professional success or something intangible such as someone's love or affection. The point is that When a person possessing a valuable asset (material or not) realizes envy and the consequent threat that surrounds him, he may experience jealousy by feeling vulnerable. Schoek affirms that “envy is a directed emotion; without an objective, without a victim, it cannot happen ”(1969). A jealous person, on the other hand, is not jealous of the person seen as a threat, but is jealous of what he possesses because he is afraid of losing it. Then a person can feel envy and jealous at the same time. It may also be that the envy is imagined and the person experiences completely unfounded jealousy. In these cases, you have to explore where that irrational fear of loss or abandonment comes from.

Envy is viewed, subconsciously at least, as a particularly dangerous and destructive emotion. Man fears the consequences of the envy of others as well as of his own envy. Even in the cases in which we admit to being envious of someone, it is common to clarify to our interlocutor "but healthy envy eh!". For some people it is even uncomfortable to receive compliments –even if they are well intentioned- due to the possible connotation of envy that they can suppose. In fact, in many cultures symbolic rituals have been deployed to try to counteract or neutralize that fear and what is known as the "evil eye." At weddings too, when the newly married bride throws the bouquet of flowers to her single friends, it is a symbolic act originally intended to appease envy.

Despite its undoubted presence in our day-to-day lives, we are generally quite reluctant to admit and speak openly about envy. It may also sound very cocky to say that someone envies us. And when it comes to family or friends, even harder to see. We are able to admit feelings of guilt, shame, pride, greed and even anger or rage but it is almost impossible - at least in Western societies - to recognize envy.

This is explained by the fact that envy implies that we compare ourselves with others. And recognize envy means acknowledging your inferiority to this other person. In fact, more than envy itself, what is so difficult to accept is the feeling of inferiority. When inferiority is perceived as due to external factors beyond our control ("bad luck" for example), it is still bearable, but when it comes to assuming a deficiency in our skills, the impact is devastating as it damages our self-image. And few sensations are as destructive to our ego as envy, since contrary to anger or other emotions, there is no socially acceptable justification for this emotion. In order not to have to deal with such suffering, the human being has therefore learned to deny envy through rationalizations type: “I don't like him”, “he got this job out of the box anyway”, “I don't like the way he dresses, laughs, walks…”, and so on an infinite list. By this I do not mean that because we dislike someone, it is always out of envy. It is clear that we cannot get along with everyone as well but what I do think is important is that, When we feel irritation and / or rejection towards someone for no apparent reason, we know how to ask ourselves where this emotional reaction comes from. Does this person remind me of someone who made fun of me in my childhood? Am I envious of something you have? Why does it stir up so much emotional charge in me? Because as is well known, at the other extreme opposite to love (appreciation) is indifference, not hatred ...

Since we are little we have been given the idea that envy is bad and that it is shameful to feel it. That is why we tend to disguise it and deny it. And in general, we genuinely believe that we are not envious. When we are accused of this, we tend to respond vociferously and defensively, flatly denying this possibility.

Moreover, society, while condemning envy, also fosters it. The division of society into social strata is the source of much resentment among the lower classes (and rightly so). However, paradoxically, the more marked and visible the socioeconomic differences are (as is the case in Mexico, for example), the less will be the hope of competing since it will be seen as something too distant to be desired. Instead, you will tend to idealize the upper classes, while still feeling deep resentment towards them. The greater equality with another person (having similar ages, working in the same sector, being part of the same group of friends, etc.), the more prone we will be to rivalry. In other words, we are more likely to feel envy towards a co-worker than towards our boss, for example.

Advertising also plays a crucial role in inciting envy. since it tries to persuade consumers that they lack something to be more complete or happier, and that if they do not have such a thing, they will not be "up to par" compared to other people who do enjoy such a product or service .

Envy can be a stimulant to strive to achieve something desirable, be more productive or improve in some area. It pushes us to improve ourselves. However, when a person is constantly comparing himself to others and fails to achieve these goals, such frustration can sometimes become dangerous. The mistake is to focus too much on others and not enough on your own uniqueness and resources (which by the way we all, without any exception, have). The person, by not having a sufficiently integrated “I” or an “I” that is too fragile, forgets himself in the process and becomes obsessed with becoming someone who will never be. This intense disappointment It can lead you to want to deprive the envied person of the object of desire through indirect or direct aggressions because you will see the success of the other as at the expense of your own.

Envy can be expressed openly but since it is frowned upon, it is more common to appear covertly. Gossip, criticism, or defamation for example, many times they hide a strong envy behind since they are a powerful instrument to deter or stop those people who "fly too high". They are in short, forms of control. Also, showing little interest, support, or appreciation when a close person (family, friends, etc.) is doing well in some area of ​​their life may - although not always - denote a certain envy. Some seemingly insignificant comments can also reflect an envious tone (often non-verbal). On the other hand, the failure to address certain topics that are known to be of great significance to the other person can also be indications of envy.. "Good friends recognize each other not only in bad times, but also when things are going well for us."

More extreme is the mobbing behavior. In these cases it is often the case that the envious person is described as very friendly by most people and yet shows tremendous hostility towards a specific person: the envied person. Generally the aggression is very subtle and hardly noticeable by others as it is mainly characterized by non-verbal attacks (and therefore difficult to demonstrate) such as rejecting direct communication (ignoring), isolating the person, throwing nasty glances, making indirect comments aimed at hurting, etc. The envious person will endeavor to remind the envied person of their mistakes and imperfection (since they see them as perfect), they will make ill-intentioned jokes that sound more like mockery, etc.

Individuals who are dissatisfied with their life (or an aspect of it) and with low self-esteem are often the most prone to envy. You always start with yourself. How are you going to be able to be happy for another if you yourself are not happy? How are you going to care about another person if you do not give yourself any value?

To conclude this article, I would like to emphasize the importance of recognizing envy in ourselves and in others, since it is much more harmful when we do not understand or detect it. Knowing that it comes from insecurity helps us to be more empathetic (with others and with ourselves) and it will also affect us less. If it is a person we really care about, talking openly about it and "putting the cards on the table" is the best thing to do, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. We are often unaware of our own envy or feel so guilty about feeling it that we automatically deny it. Envy itself is not harmful since it is part of human nature, it is what we do with it that will determine its quality. On the other hand, if there is no affective bond with this person, it is better to protect yourself and if possible, get away from such bad vibrations.

I know this is a thorny issue, but I invite you to share your experiences and uncover coverups! Are you aware of your own envy? How do you handle your envy and that of others? What do you think should be done in these cases?

by Jasmine murga

This article has been inspired by the article "The Anatomy of Envy: A Study in Symbolic Behavior" by George M. Foster (1972).