How to satisfactorily carry out the duel?

"Sooner or later, those who avoid all conscious grief collapse, usually in the form of depression." (J. Bowlby)

When living, it is inevitable to experience losses, because nothing is permanent, grief is the process that develops when living a loss, (death of a loved one, breakdown of a relationship, change of country, etc.) the purpose is to achieve emotional and psychological adaptation to living with said loss, Its etymology is: duellum or combat and dolus pain.

Successful grief is when a satisfactory adaptation to a loss is achieved, on the other hand, pathological grief is when this process is not satisfactorily resolved. Most of these people require professional help, since a badly handled grieving process can lead to problems such as depression.

Many authors agree that when experiencing the death of a loved one, the duration of the grieving process usually lasts between 1 and 3 years and that in general, the first year is the most difficult.

It is known that a successful grieving process has been completed by having the possibility of remembering a person who has died without experiencing pain, despite feeling a certain sadness, in addition to being able to adapt to living without that person.

The psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler Ross, in her book On Grief and Grief, describes the 5 stages of grief:

1) Denial: It is a defense mechanism that consists of a barrier that we use by not being able to assimilate high-impact information, helps us cushion and reduce the suffering caused by unexpected news. It occurs temporarily, as a way to postpone and prepare to face reality.

2) Anger: At this stage, denial turns into anger, which normally moves to us, our family, our close friends, or the person who has died, it also generates some resentment towards it, all this causing a great sense of guilt that fuels more anger towards ourselves.

At this stage there are many questions and reproaches such as: why to me? The world is very unfair!

It is important to let the person who is processing the grief live these emotions and express their anger, without taking it personally, because we must understand that it is a necessary part of the grieving process.

3) Agreement or negotiation: This stage is usually very brief. In it, the person who is suffering tries to reach agreements with some higher force (which may be God) to ask that the deceased person return, in exchange for any sacrifice, it also seeks to reach agreements to facilitate the overcoming of the loss. This stage is characterized by fantasizing about going back to the past, when the person was still alive, there is also a lot of thought about what would have happened if the person had not died or how the loss could have been avoided.

4) Depression: This phase is characterized by high sadness, nostalgia and melancholy, the person can no longer continue to hold the denial, he realizes that death is a real event. Here continue with the daily activities of life is very difficult, sometimes they stop eating, sleep problems appear, lack of energy, etc. the person begins to prepare to accept the reality of the loss.

We must let the person go through this stage, expressing what they feel, without trying to encourage them, because It is normal for him to be sad, telling him that he is not sad would be counterproductive.

5) Acceptance: Having gone through the aforementioned stages, the loss is assumed, that the person will not return and that from that moment on we will have to continue living without it. It is accepted that death is an unavoidable part of life and that this is no one's fault. At this stage, although there is some emotional fatigue, it is generally possible to have hope that things will be fine and that we can continue living in that new reality without the deceased person. People begin to focus more on the future instead of continuing to chase the past and it is here that peace and tranquility can finally be experienced.

J. William Worden in his book "Grief Treatment" talks about four processes or tasks that must be passed through in the grieving process:

1.- Accept the reality of the loss: Although it is difficult to learn to assimilate a new reality, we must face the fact that we will not be able to have contact with the deceased person againDenial can intervene in this task, so instead of trying to deny the loss, it must be assumed. First the loss is assimilated cognitively and then emotionally, for this task it is recommended to remember and talk about the deceased person.

2.- Work the emotions and the pain of the loss: At this stage it is important to accept the emotions that are generated by the loss, instead of trying to avoid them, because denying them will produce more pain. These emotions must be worked on and expressed, pain must be felt and assumed.

3.- Adapting to an environment in which the deceased is absent: This stage is of utmost importance, it is a phase of accommodation of the fact in our life, in this the roles and spaces that the deceased person had in our life have repercussions on our identity, which we must rebuild according to our new reality (this includes assuming new functions, responsibilities, actions and roles). It is a complicated process, because we must understand that our life will inevitably change and even our vision of the world will be different.

4.- Emotionally relocate the deceased and continue living: We will not forget the deceased person, nor will it be easy to live without it, but We must accommodate his loss in our life, find him a symbolic place where we can place him emotionally to continue to see meaning in our life, although it will be a different meaning. The loss will take on a new perspective and transformation can be achieved on a personal level.

We know that when experiencing a loss we will not be the same again, obviously we will change, the important thing is to know that we will be able to live without the deceased person and to continue looking for ways to be at peace and be happy by valuing the people who still have remain and above all valuing ourselves.