The importance of learning to set limits in our relationships

Do you often find yourself caught in conversations with invasive people, sketching out inefficient escape attempts? Do you usually feel used, not valued or that you give more than you receive? Does it cost you or do you usually feel uncomfortable saying no? Do you sometimes end up exploding with rage?

Knowing how far our limits are (“boundaries” in English) is essential to maintain healthy relationships and feel good about ourselves. For many people however, this concept is relatively new.

If you find that you have difficulties in saying “no” to other people, if you usually act based on feelings of guilt or you often experience it as an obligation, you try to please others even at the expense of what is best for you, or if you find that you tend not to express your thoughts or feelings when someone or a situation makes you uncomfortable, then it is essential that you begin to learn to recognize your own limits and express them. Many people are surprised that they always attract problematic people, but perhaps it is time to see our share of responsibility in it. When we learn to respect our own needs and limits, we create in ourselves a sense of greater control and security. Often being overly kind or generous can cause feelings of anger or resentment after the fact, because when we consistently attend to someone else's needs before our own, we are likely to end up feeling used. Hence the importance of creating a good balance between knowing how to protect yourself, and at the same time being sensitive and respectful of others. This can be achieved through self-awareness, appropriate non-verbal language, and good use of words. Here are some recommendations to learn to better identify our limits and be more assertive in our relationships:

1. Identify your limits and fears. Being introspective or cultivating self-awareness is the first step in making a difference. Try to identify on a scale of 1 to 10, the degree of discomfort, irritability or anger that different situations produce you.

Then ask yourself What is causing me this feeling? What is bothering me in this interaction?

Try to identify the self-talk that comes up when you find yourself in these situations. Some of the more common fears that appear in the context of boundaries include fear of not being a good enough person, fear of disappointing others, fear of being rejected, fear of being left alone, etc. They are usually fears that originated in childhood.

To be more assertive, it is essential to be connected with what happens inside us because some don't even know what they want!

2. It is better not to surrender or open up completely when you are just meeting someone, but rather to do it gradually. This will give you a margin to gently withdraw in case the situation becomes uncomfortable for you. If you are too open and warm at first, and suddenly change your mind and adopt a more distant and cool posture, the other person is much more likely to be offended.

3. When you want to get away from an overly intrusive person - because they are being rude, too insistent or just giving you a bad feeling - imagine that you are inside a protective bubble and breathe deeply and calmly. You can subtly withdraw through your posture (turning slightly to the side), adopting a more neutral tone of voice and decreasing the frequency and intensity with which you look at the person. When a person seems to have good intentions and you don't want to hurt their feelings, try to do it more tactfully. Generally, the person will notice, but probably not consciously, since the message will be transmitted non-verbally. However, If the person in front of you doesn't seem to notice, then don't waste any more time and verbalize it Saying for example: "Sorry, I have to go", "Sorry, I need some reassurance", or "Sorry, I came here to spend time with a friend." Avoid being aggressive as it will only make you upset (and it is not about wasting our energy) and it can even be dangerous when we do not know who we have in front of us. Maybe he's a psychopath, who knows?

4. Try to be selective when it comes to sharing personal aspects, even with friends or family. Think about whether you really want to share this or that thing with that person. Do not do it to look good with the other because then it will leave you with a bad taste and you will regret it. Also, don't feel like you have to answer all the questions they ask you. Not all questions deserve an answer! If the question seems displaced, out of context or you simply do not feel comfortable answering, you can return the question by saying: Why are you asking? Or simply say "I'd rather we talk about something else right now." If you can't do it, ask yourself what terrible consequence you think can come from expressing your feelings. What is blocking you?

5. Learn to express what you need in an assertive and positive way at the same time. Don't wait to be up to your nose to explode and send everyone to hell. There are families in which the expression of limits is not tolerated. It is lived as something offensive and even as a rejection. So in some cases what has been learned is to endure, endure, endure - repressing needs - until a moment comes when one cannot take it anymore and ends up exploding. This is harmful not only for the people to whom the anger is directed, but also and for the person who experiences it. Therefore it is very important to learn to detect the first signs of discomfort and say for example "I need to be alone right now". If the person continues to chase you and bombard you with criticism and reproach, ignoring your needs and limits, get out of the house or where you are.

6. Limit phone calls that are too tiring or that you consider a waste of time for you. You can say "I only have a minute." And a minute later: “Sorry, I have to go. Lucky!". When a person constantly calls you to complain but doesn't seem willing to do anything to change the situation, doesn't seem to really care what you say or stop saying or how you are doing, you can reply, “I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I would like to know what you expect from me. Do you want me to advise you and tell you how I see the problem? » If the person says no, answer: "Then I'm afraid I can't help you, I'm sorry." Do not enter into dysfunctional dynamics of this type since they are not beneficial for you or for the person who wants to take you with her in her spiral.

 

7. And lastly, keep in mind that there are clear cultural differences in the way of approaching someone, in non-verbal language, and in the use of touch and personal space (physical distance). Talking directly and openly about these differences, instead of judging and imagining things, can uncover misunderstandings.

In conclusion, learning to take care of ourselves and protect ourselves will allow us have enough energy, tranquility, and inner peace to be able to be more available to others.

 Like any new skill, communicate our limits assertively takes practice. It is advisable to start by setting small limits and gradually increasing the difficulty of the challenges. Don't start with something that weighs you down too much beforehand. Build on small successes.

by Jasmine murga

Source:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/0007498

http://www.sowhatireallymeant.com/articles/intimacy/boundaries/