All, to a lesser or greater extent, have been victims of the tyranny of love, of feeling how our entire being is given to a person who ignores such an unconscious gift. Today we are going to see two sides of the same coin. We are going to put ourselves in the situation of a couple in which one of them does not love enough and the other person gives everything.
But before that, I invite you to see a magnificent short that shows what love and lack of love consist of. it is a very didactic allegory that even a small child can understand.
This video should be put in all schools to be part of a subject, which should be compulsory, called "Emotional education":
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Have you ever been a victim in your life of an unrequited love?
I have suffered it on 2 occasions. The two of them were college classmates and they loved me… as a friend. Is there anything more humiliating for a man than a woman with whom you are completely in love tell you that I love you but as a friend?!?!?!
However, in this article I am going to focus on a much more subtle unrequited love: the one that occurs within the couple.
Consider the following two types of relationships
1) Your partner is with you but is not too in love with you.
2) Your partner is totally in love with you, but you are not too in love with her.
Let me tell you something. Alberto, divorced, about 45 years old. He was married for 12 years but in the end He ended up leaving his wife (Maria) even though he liked her and enjoyed their company. However, he did not love her very much.
After their separation, he had several relationships with other women but in the end decided to return with Maria.
"This is the woman I want to live with"he said one day. I reminded him of what he told me a while ago, that he did not love her enough to be with her. To which he replied, "Yes, but she loves me as no one has ever loved me, and this is what matters to me." In fact, he asked his wife a question: "Why do you want to be with me, knowing that I don't love you as much as you love me?" She replied that she prefers to be with a person she loves a lot and not the other way around. She preferred her position to his.
What option would you choose?
Taking into account these options, which one would you choose? Alberto's or María's? I believe that the answers would be divided.
When talking about unrequited love, people often refer to painful experiences that we all know. However, these cases are less common than those in which there are more nuances: when two people love each other, but the type and intensity of love is different.
As in our example, while she is madly in love with him, Alberto doesn't love her that much. There is a point of intensity of love below which it is not worth being together, but his feelings are above this point.
Be aware of the differences in the intensity of love it can be painful because it implies that one of the partners in the couple is less loved and implies a certain type of rejection.
The disadvantage in Alberto's situation refers to give up an important human dream: being madly in love with someone. However, her situation is the opposite: she is in love but is more vulnerable and insecure in her relationship with Alberto.
Alberto has greater control of the situation, he can continue this relationship whenever he wants, because his wife's love is almost guaranteed. Alberto compromises his present, in order to ensure his future. She gives him control of his future in order to enjoy deep love in the present.
Those who prefer the she position are optimistic about their ability to change their partner's attitude towards them. This optimism relates to a general belief that the world is itself controllable, and that your own ability to control the events around it is exceptional.
Alberto's state of mind is calmer than Maria's. Although he is not satisfied from time to time with the fact that does not experience true love, he likes the love of his wife and his future is assured. Her mental situation is less stable as it involves the strongest positive emotions (such as love) and negative emotions (such as fear and frustration). The anxiety associated with this conflict of emotions can end up burning her over time and her love for Alberto can diminish.
People with more selfish tendencies are more likely to prefer Alberto's position because they believe that they will not have difficulties in finding a new partner. More rational people might also go for the role of Alberto, while more romantic people would go for the role of the wife.
Age can be another relevant factor in this regard: older people, whose romantic feelings are diminishing, tend to choose Alberto's situation because they prefer a "love partner."
In summary, often the intensity of love is not equal between lovers, so lovers have to deal with such differences.
And you? Which option would you choose?
"Most people find it more difficult to let themselves be loved than to find someone who loves them." Bill russell
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