How to detect envy?

I would like to dedicate this article to answering one of the questions that arose from an interlocutor, as a result of my previous article: "Envy: a taboo subject." I appreciate your contribution as this type of question allows us to delve into certain aspects that might not otherwise be addressed.

The question was posed this way: How can we detect envy? Let's get to the point.

Unless the person confesses directly and verbally, there are no 100% reliable signals that allow us to detect envy or more generally, what happens in someone else's mind. Imagine that others could read everything that goes through our heads with complete certainty ... it would be terrifying and we would feel violated in our privacy.

Moreover, I want to avoid falling into overly simplistic interpretations since the non-verbal behaviors that we observe in others do not always reveal a single meaning. Crossing your arms, for example, can mean that the person is angry or disagrees, but it can also be because the person is simply cold. That is, the result that we observe does not always have a single cause or explanation.

Still, it is known today that non-verbal communication accounts for approximately 70% of communication! This figure tells us that contrary to what we think, words do not have as much relevance when we interact. Non-verbal language (gestures, posture, gaze, tone of voice, etc.) is much richer in information. Unfortunately, we don't usually pay too much attention to it. The society in which we live has taught us to make greater use of our head and reason, to the detriment of our intuition.

Here are some exercises that you can put into practice to learn to develop these innate abilities that are at our disposal but that we tend to relegate to the background. These exercises can be very useful for us to better understand what is happening in our relationships as well as to detect with greater awareness the intentions of others.

1) Learn to listen to our intuition.

Intuition is l

The most archaic tool of knowledge that we have and is located in the cerebellum. It manifests itself through a physiological reaction that we generally feel in the stomach (although it can also take place in other parts of the body, depending on each individual). It is like an internal alarm that we have. Women are more receptive to these signals and to the emotions of others due, among other reasons, to our biological predisposition to be mothers. However, as I was saying, we usually tend to ignore these feelings since in Western society there is a clear division between the body and the mind.

In interactions with other people, intuition informs us of some discrepancy between verbal and non-verbal communication. For example, someone can tell us "I'm happy for you" and express the opposite in their tone of voice or facial expression at the same time. Intuition does not inform us exactly what is happening or why, but it does warn us that there is something we need to pay attention to. On the other hand, associated with this sensation in the body, there is usually an emotion. When our intuition or our unconscious (they are practically the same) detect something discordant or something strange, we usually feel a subtle feeling of discomfort, confusion, irritability, etc.

How can we improve our intuition?

Paying special attention to our bodily sensations and emotions, making them as conscious as possible. Try this for a week in different contexts and with multiple people.

Ask yourselves: «How do I feel when I talk to this person? " "Do I feel any sensation in my body, an emotion?" "And how do I feel after talking to this person?" "Is it a pleasant or unpleasant sensation?" "Where is this feeling located in my body?"

But beware, remember that these questions provide us with only indicative information. It does not mean that because I feel nervous with one person, for example, it is necessarily because the other is evil or malicious. This feeling can be due to the other person, but it can also come from me or be the result of our interaction.

2) Applying this to envy.

That a close person is half-hearted when you are doing well in some aspect of your life may be because they are actually envious of you. But it may also be that I have too high expectations and that such disappointment (not seeing my expectations fulfilled) translates into negative emotions. The person may simply not be aware of how important their support is to you or that they are going through a difficult time and are less emotionally available. Another possibility is that there is some kind of resentment in the relationship for unresolved conflicts in the past and not providing support is for the other a form of revenge or a show of pride.

In any case, Do not underestimate the valuable information that our senses provide us. For some reason that internal "alarm" comes on.

3) Remark:

Once we have learned to better listen and detect the signals that our intuition gives us, the second step will be to observe. It is about looking for inconsistencies in the behavior of the other that really demonstrate what we intuit. In other words, test our hypothesis. We all do it in a more or less natural way but instead of looking only for the situations that corroborate our suspicions of envy, for example, I invite you to also consider the situations or moments in which this hypothesis is not confirmed. We cannot be biased by our tendency to select only that information that fits our belief (especially if it does not reflect reality).

Let us ask ourselves: "In what areas of my life do I feel that this person is reluctant to my success or happiness? "," In all or only in some? "," Does it happen only with me or does he seem to show the same attitude with others? "

Envy manifests itself when one stands out for his professional success, for his vitality, his prosperous economic situation, his physical attractiveness, his intelligence, his love situation, etc. Let's explore all these avenues. If that person is not very expressive, whether I talk about my new job opportunities or my new love relationship or my canary (any aspect of my life that has value and meaning for me) and it is also the case with everyone, then we can hardly deduce that his reaction is due to feelings of envy because his behavior is being consistent in different situations; it is part of their temperament. They may also gush out when you talk about racing cars and start yawning when you start a conversation about seahorses. But let's not get confused, this inconsistency in their behavior will be due to the degree of interest that each topic evokes for that person. It will have absolutely nothing to do with envy.

When I speak of inconsistencies I mean that generally a friend or relative who feels envy will tend to express it in certain areas, but not all. Maybe for example he asks you about your boyfriend but never about your studies or vice-versa. Your attitude will also vary depending on the person in front of you. You may notice that it is like this with you regarding this particular issue but not with others. Finally, it is important to check whether these observations occur repeatedly. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding.

4) Metacommunication:

Metacommunicate it means talking about what's going on in the relationship. If we want to remove any doubts and stop eating our heads, this last stage will be necessary. Our intuition and observation may be enough for us to draw our own conclusions, but if we want to get as close to the truth as possible, the only way is to confront the person and talk openly about how we feel and what we have observed. This conversation can have several possible outcomes:

- O well the person ends up admitting that he is indeed jealous. It is unlikely but if this were to happen, it would not only denote enormous strength and integrity on the part of that person, but it would also be proof that the relationship really matters to him.

- Or the person provides us with information that we did not have until then and the fact of including it in our narrative (or interpretation of the situation) helps us to frame what happened as a misunderstood. For example, it may be that the person is going through a difficult phase in their life, or that they are overwhelmed, depressed or there is some unresolved conflict in the relationship and this is an opportunity for it to come out and talk about it.

-       Either he reacts with a very defensive tone, denying everything but without being able to provide any coherent explanation for what happened. When the person cannot offer any explanation, they are usually emotions that are difficult to admit and as we know, envy is one of them.

I hope this article is useful to you. Thanks for your reading and I hope more reactions from you!

by Jasmine murga